Romance Under the Microscope - About Relationships

What is Dating?
Dating in this day and age includes a lot of different
possibilities. By dating, we mean spending time with
someone in a romantic relationship or in a
relationship that may become romantic. People who
are dating may go out alone together, or they may pair off in a group of people, or they may hang out together or in groups.

Why Do People Date?
People date for a variety of reasons. One reason why people date is simply for companionship—to have a partner with whom to share activities. Some people date because they are looking for a serious, committed relationship. Still others date with the idea of choosing a partner to marry. Dating is also a way to learn how to have a relationship and how having one affects the people in it. Some date to achieve closeness and intimacy with someone. In most cases, people date for more than one reason.

Dating is an opportunity to learn:

One of the deeper and most important reasons to date is that it is a chance to learn about the quality of your romance before you become deeply committed or married. Dating is full of signs about the quality of the relationship. Our research has shown that the signs are there, people just don’t always pay attention to them. That’s why the most important thing is to pay attention to the signs that tell you about the quality of your relationship.

It is pretty easy to fall into and to feel in love. Lots of people are in love. But it is harder to feel cared for and cared about. How do you know if your partner cares for you? Pay attention to signs:

	Watch for Those Caring Signs How does your partner behave towards you—not what your partner says, but what he or she does. For example, if you have a big project due at work or a big test to study for and you want to do your work one evening and you have told your partner that is what you want to do, does your partner insist that you go out instead? Or does your partner get upset with you if you don’t go out? Does someone who cares about you insist that you do what they want, drop your own needs, goals, or what is best for you and go along with them? No. And if you care about someone, you will be willing to drop your own needs and goals and do what is best for your partner or go along with them when they need you to. Relationships, for both partners, should be about caring.
	Watch for Those Comfort Signs You should feel pretty comfortable and supported in a relationship. What does comfortable feel like? You should feel as though your partner is easy to be with. You should feel like you can be yourself and not have to act, say, do, look like, or be someone you are not. You should feel calm and not too anxious; definitely you should not feel afraid.
	Watch for Those Honesty Signs You should feel trust. What does trust feel like? It means feeling cared for and it also means that you have confidence in the fact that your partner is honest with you. How can you tell if someone is honest? Pay attention to the information about honesty you get from your partner and from other people. For example, if your partner agrees with you that neither of you will date others, an honest partner doesn’t say one thing and do another. If you two agree you should be dating others, than an honest partner sincerely tells you when he or she is dating others. Sometimes your partner may say, “I am confused,” or “I don’t know how I feel about you,” but that is honest, too.
	Watch for the World Around You Sometimes people in romantic relationships feel as though it is just the two of them and the rest of the world doesn’t matter. But relationships have to fit in with the rest of the world—with jobs or school, with other things you are doing with your life right now, and, most of all, with friends and family who are important to you. If you see signs that your relationship is causing problems with the rest of your life, pay attention. Or if you see that your partners’ life outside of the relationship is causing problems for you, pay attention. For example, sometimes people have partners who aren’t as available to them as they need them to be because of work, hobbies, school, other family commitments, or other pursuits. If this happens, people may want to see if their partners care enough to change. If partners don’t change, then people need to decide what they are willing to live with in a relationship.
	Watch for Those Commitment Signs You should think about commitment. Commitment is about relationships lasting for the long haul. When people are young or in a fairly new relationship, they may not think about commitment very much. But commitment becomes important later on in life and later on in some relationships. Commitment is a lot more complicated than love, comfortableness, or trust. Lots of conditions have to be in place in order to be committed to someone. Conditions that have to be in place are: Your family; your friends; the money, time and energy you and your partner have to give to the relationship; other potential dating partners; your love, trust, caring for one another, and comfort. When two people are committed, they are certain about and confident in their future together. Relationships with a lot of doubts about whether to be serious or whether to be committed are not very committed at all. Relationships that seem committed sometimes, but not others, actually are not very committed at all. The thing about commitment is that it is steady and sure.

Once you get all of this information about your relationship, take a serious look at it and see what you have learned. If you have learned that it is not so good, remember: Not all relationships are destined for the long haul. Don’t be afraid to try for a better one. Even though breakups while dating are difficult, they are a lot easier to do before than after marriage, before than after living together, or before they become serious.

Also remember that all of the signs may be there for you, but not for your partner. The thing about a relationship is that it takes two to make one.